Satire or Prophecy–You decide!
Today, February 22, 2009, President Obama signed an Executive Order banning toilet paper by 2011. Patterned after the Executive order to ban incandescent light bulbs from President Bush, President Obama has signed the ban on toilet paper.
Beginning on January 1st, 2011, Family Cloth or Family Wipes will be mandated by the Federal Government to replace toilet paper. Rush Limbaugh immediately filed suit objecting to Obama’s bathroom invasion. A furious Limbaugh stated “Obama’s over reaching arm of this Federal mandate is not getting even close to my glorious naked body and they have no business in my bathrooms!”
No more Toilet Paper? ‘Family Cloth” or ‘Family Wipes’ urged as eco-friendly replacement for toilet paper – Yahoo Answers & Green websites tout new eco-friendly alternative! President Obama and the First Lady state their daughter’s love for trees and squirrels has encouraged this particular order, as many trees will be saved and the effected habitats.
Here is some consumer information regarding the new material. (this is true)
Excerpt: The purpose of the family cloth is to reduce the waste created by toilet paper. The environmentally unfriendly aspects of toilet paper happen before it arrives at your home. Trees are destroyed for the necessary pulp and large amounts of chemicals are used to turn the wood pulp into the soft, fluffy, white tissues we like to use. In addition, those darn packages of t.p. are big and a lot of fuel is burned getting them to their destination.
These concerns are causing people to ditch their toilet paper and use a family cloth instead. Eco-friendly families usually start out trying different cloths. Old t-shirts are the most popular source for family cloth pieces. Using them for a family cloth prevents them from becoming yet another piece of landfill. Cotton t-shirt material is soft and very absorbent.
They also receive high ratings from female users because they don’t leave any of that annoying tissue dust after usage. For those unfamiliar with the family cloth, the name is somewhat misleading. No one seems to be certain where the term originated but is not an accurate title. Family members do not share a single cloth for their bathroom wiping needs. Each family has their own method, but most often a stack of clean cloth strips are left near the toilet in the bathroom. After use the family cloth is placed in a bucket. Every few days the contents are washed.
How to Store Used ‘Family Wipes’
Excerpt: Some families find it easiest to put a small wet bag in their bathroom – either just laying on the floor near the toilet, or hanging from a nearby doorknob, cabinet knob, or hook. One friend actually hangs her bag from the toilet paper holder. My family keeps a small version of a diaper pail in the bathroom just for wipes. It’s a 2-gallon stainless steel garbage bag with a step-pedal to open the lid. Wally loves depositing his wipes in there after we’re done cleaning him up!
How to Wash Soiled ‘Family Wipes’
Excerpt: If you have kids in diapers, wash with the diapers. If you don’t have kids in diapers, I recommend washing wipes separately from the rest of your laundry. Wash in hot, dry in the dryer. You may add whatever laundry additives you desire – chlorine bleach, oxygen bleach, tea tree oil, lavender oil, stain remover, whatever.
How to Use Cloth Wipes (Family Wipes, Toilet Wipes) (Sold on Wallypop.net – “Supporting a natural lifestyle”
Excerpt: OK, this is not nearly as gross as you might be imagining. Give it a try, you’ll see what I mean! But, really, you might be wondering, how do I use these? Using cloth wipes for urine-only visits to the bathroom is so simple it’s hardly worth mentioning. Go, wipe, and then toss the wipe into whatever container you prefer. Using cloth wipes for other toilet visits is not any more difficult, but there is a certain ick factor involved. Consider how much waste you’re willing to leave on your children’s diapers or wipes when you toss them in the pail. Use the same standards for yourself. Shake, scrape, swish, or squirt off anything you don’t want in your laundry, and then toss the wipe into the pail or container. (Personally speaking, we just wipe and toss in the pail.)
The Latest “Green” Craze: Reusable Toilet Paper?! – How to Purchase ‘Family (or Toilet) Wipes
Excerpt: Family Wipes: $11 per dozen basic, $16 per dozen premium – “Alright,” you say, “You’ve convinced me about cloth diapers, and I understand using cloth gift bags and napkins. But toilet paper??” For some people, making the switch to cloth toilet wipes is a huge leap, that’s true. But it doesn’t need to be! Using cloth toilet wipes actually has many advantages. For one, it’s a lot more comfortable and soft on your most delicate body parts. It’s also more economical, uses less paper, and saves you those late-night trips to the store. And cloth wipes can be used wet without any of the sopping disintegration that regular toilet paper is prone to. For a discussion of the practical aspects of using cloth toilet wipes, please check out our page detailing How to Use Cloth Wipes.
Background on environmentalist’s war on toilet paper
Flashback: NYC Environmentalists Eliminate Toilet Paper in Effort to Save the Planet
Introduction of the Flush Toilet Deplored at Earth Summit
Dry Toilet Conference Declared a Success by Organizers
Diaperless Babies Seen As Earth-Friendly Solution
Flush Toilets Called “Environmental Disaster”
Philadelphia Plumbers Union Pipes Up About Waterless Urinals
Ready to Rethink Toilet Paper for Earth Day?