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Asteroid Threat: Why Do They Hate Us?

Written by Opiate of the People

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Opiate of the People | The Peoples Cube

People's scientists yesterday took a break from their urgent research on how to procure more funding for Climate Change studies, in order to ring the alarm about a new urgent source of anxiety for the masses, which will undoubtedly cause them to demand more state protection: radical rogue asteroids.

One of these provocateurs, code named 2011 AG5, was recently observed in the vicinity of Washington DC and other national capitals.

While analysts believe that most Asteroids are peaceful, their population contains more aggressive elements which are believed to be working on a weapon of mass destruction. If left unchecked, their program could cause major damage to a large city by 2040.

Asteroids_Now_Occupy_250Strategic thinkers at the State Department are already hard at work on a "carrot and stick" approach to dealing with the Asteroids, threatening sanctions while simultaneously offering incentives in an effort to bring them to the negotiating table. It is believed that "smart power" will convince the Asteroids to eschew the more beligerent segments of their population and become peaceful members of the international community. In the past "smart power" has shown outstanding results in dealing with external threats, e.g., Iran and North Korea.

Even as political strategies to deal with the problem evolve, social scientists, professional deep thinkers, and angry people who talk loudly while dining at upscale urban restaurants are wrestling with the deeper question of the root cause of Asteroid violence. Experts argue the lack of economic and social programs in deep space, coupled with the aimless, drifting, purposeless existence of many Asteroids, leads to an attitude of loneliness and desperation which can erupt into random violence, often when least expected.

Asteroids_Alienated_EarthOne such expert stated off the record, "There are Asteroids wandering around the inner solar system all the time -- one of them, called 2005 YU55, passed within 201,000 miles of Earth in November, closer than the moon is to us. The fact that the Asteroids can wander in our midst without being noticed dehumanizes them to the point where they no longer care what they hit when they lash out."

The average man or woman in the street finds the Asteroid threat difficult to understand and cope with. Often they will react with anger, asserting that it is not our problem to accomodate the Asteroids but rather they should adapt to our culture or, as one extremely angry white heterosexual man put it, "they should go back where they came from!" Experts on the Asteroid community all agree this "solution" is impractical and bigoted.

The general population tends to be more sympathetic. "We don't hate the Asteroids," sobbed one woman with a lot of bumper stickers on her car, "why do they hate us?"

Asteroids_Whydotheyhateus_EPsychologists say our self-centeredness and lack of attention to the problems of others is partially to blame. "Most people are busy with their jobs and material goods," said Dr. Vera Skwishee of Gnu School of Social Whitewash. "They fail to notice that people like me went to school for decades to get multiple useless PhDs and would like to get some material goods TOO so give me a friggin' grant to study it for crissakes and I'll find out! Hey, I got bills to pay, ya know? I'm driving a 15 year old Toyota and I NEED to buy a Chevy Volt!"

Most scientists agree that until the populace gets over its greed and approves the new taxes needed for the required social programs to be enacted, the Asteroid problem will continue to hang over our heads.

Science Source: The Peoples Cube

The Peoples Cube is a great resource for parody and sarcasm created from the issues of the day.

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