Written by Dr. Burton Wallace PhD
If you ever picked up a copy of Newsweek, shop for groceries or attend a local elementary school-- you probably already know that Global Warming (peal of thunder) is the most terrifying not all made up crisis to hit the world since the Y2K bug and the Swine Flu epidemic that has already claimed millions of lives.
You might be sitting in your above water home right now and scoffing at my words, but you'll be scoffing out of the other side of your mouth when the icebergs melt and you're sharing your basement with a very angry Polar Bear. Believe me I have spent months of my life living in Antarctica side by side with very angry Polar Bears and I can promise you that you won't enjoy the experience.
I realize that the leak of private emails from the Anglia Climactic Research Institute has undermined some people's confidence in the charts and graphs we show people on television. And I really do understand why. It's because you people are ignorant swine unfit to kiss the boots of brilliant scientists like me. You probably think the earth is still flat and that ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. People like you persecuted Galileo, hounded Newton and picked up torches and burned out Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory. You understand nothing of science. Nothing!
Yes we destroyed all our raw data, used statistical tricks to manipulate our presented data and suppressed the work of anyone who disagreed with us. But what you ignorant swine completely fail to understand is that this is how science works! If you prevent us from manipulating our data to fit our preconceived conclusions and driving dissenters out of academia-- there will be no science anymore!
Why if we made our raw data available to anyone who wanted to use it to reach different conclusions, the result would be sheer chaos! There would be multiple interpretations and possibilities. What would happen to Scientific Dogma and Orthodoxy in such a horrible mixed up world. Because if there's anything that science is diametrically opposed to, it's open debate on a theory.
Can you imagine how tedious and boring it would be for us to test every possible hypothesis and then use experimentation to determine which is right? It would take ridiculous amounts of time. What we've done instead is streamlined the process by 'making stuff up' and then manipulating the data to fit. We get grants. The economy is destroyed. And everyone is happy. Except you people. You're never happy.
Do you want to go back to the way they used to do science when they actually tried to discover things for real? That's ridiculous. What would happen if the conclusions didn't fit our hypothesis. We would have to sign our name to ideas we completely disagree with or get real jobs. The role of a real scientist is to conform his or her work to the conventional political and scientific orthodoxy. These days that means proving that man is a virulent pestilence whose presence is destroying the planet. And then they give us our grant money. Why can't you people understand that?
Yes in the olden days the scientific method was about discovering the truth. Well in the olden days democracy was about popular representation. You don't see that around anymore, now do you? All those old fashioned ideas are going the way of the dodo. The future is us. We are change. And it's time you changed with us. Sure we understand that you're hopelessly backward and ignorant. You probably still believe in God. You think life has some kind of meaning. You think your many times great-grandfather wasn't an ape. But we know better. And Big Bang Theory help us, you're going to know it too.
The bottom line is that Global Warming (ominous peal of thunder) is real because we say it is. And we're scientists. It doesn't matter whether Global Warming (drum solo) is objectively real, so long as it's subjectively real. Because objectively speaking the planet is suffering from too much pollution and overpopulation, and so if we have to make up some imaginary environmental crisis you can believe in to make you all go along with fixing those problems, we'll do it. Because we're scientists, which means we're obligated to make stuff up for the public good.
The bottom line is you need us. Without us, who would issue a study telling you that drinking chocolate wine is healthy one week, and then issue a contradictory study the next week telling you that drinking chocolate wine will kill you before you're twenty, leaving you confused and afraid. Scientists, that's who. Who can spend hundreds of millions of dollars on a probe to Mars that crashes because we failed to tell apart Meters from Feet. Us scientists, that's who. And failures like that just mean we'll be taking another few hundred million dollars from you to do it all over again. Who can create climactic data models based on nothing more than pure hatred for humanity while destroying the raw data? You got it. Scientists!
Because doing science is all about progress and grant money. And you can't make any progress without making mistakes and then lying about them so no one knows any better, until centuries later finally someone comes along to tell us we're wrong... and we run him out of town or burn him at the stake.
2500 years ago, Pythagoras coined the Pythagorean Theorem and then built a cult around his mathematical findings that forbade his followers from eating beans. Thomas Edison stole all his inventions and Kurt Godel thought everyone was poisoning his food until he finally died of malnutrition. But that's science people. And science is often crazy. Sometimes it's paranoid or based on a complicated tissue of lies in which our entire grand theory turns out to be based on assumptions that fit other assumptions that fit a set of assumptions we made back in 1914, when we thought that Mars was covered in canals made by aliens because there bugs crawling across the lenses of our telescopes. But it's vitally important that we respect the process, by which I mean, "Shut up and do what we tell you, because we have PhD's and you don't!"
Sure we could have listened to Galileo, instead of locking him up. We could have listened to Semmelweis when he claimed that doctors shouldn't do autopsies and birth babies without washing their hands in between. And sure thousands and thousands of mothers died because we wouldn't listen. But what's a few thousand poor dead women when it comes to the dignity of the scientist. Yes, no doubt we could have listened to Doppler, instead of waiting until he was dead. We could have taken Robert Goddard seriously, instead of arguing that rockets can't possibly travel into space because there's nothing for them to push against in vacuum. But who has time to listen to loons like that anyway?
We keep ignoring most of Einstein's ideas about the universe in favor of Quantum Mechanics, even though Einstein keeps being proven right. The Law of Conservation of Energy? We ridiculed the very idea. X-Rays, a hoax! Radio has no future! We testified for the prosecution at Alexander Graham Bell's trial when he was charged with fraud for raising money to build something that clearly couldn't exist-- a telephone. Two brothers who ran a bicycle shop in North Carolina flew a plane. We made fun of those ridiculous Wright Brothers. Not a single scientist agreed to come and see their supposed "plane" fly. Scientific American magazine published an article calling them the "Lying Brothers" and claimed that anyone who saw the plane fly was crazy. And you know science was proven right, because planes can't fly. Planes can't fly!
That's science people and it's time to accept it. So grab your recycled toilet paper, put a diaper on your cows, shut down all your heavy industry and most importantly stop breathing. Stop breathing at once because all the carbon coming out of your mouth is destroying the planet. Stop asking to see our raw data or questioning our methods. We're scientists, that means our only method is to create charts that look good to people who barely passed the bar exam but somehow managed to get voted into office. That's science.
And if you happen to see a plane flying overhead, pay it no attention because planes can't fly. At least they can't, once we ban them and everything else to save the earth from Global Warming (horrified scream).
Dr. Burton Wallace PhD is a verified scientist who has published papers proving that the North Pole will melt 5 years from the date anyone reads his paper. He drives a Volvo that runs on cooking oil and melted squirrels which makes him better than you.