October 30, 2008
By Aaron Velasquez
I read a few years ago that the Israeli Army was considering using pigs instead of dogs as guard animals for settlements and borders (The Independent, 29 October 2003). Sadly, the brass decided against the idea. Imagine guarding your border with an animal that the enemy not only regards as unclean, but is also afraid to touch.
The First Indian War for Independence was precipitated in 1857 by the refusal of Muslim Indian conscripts to handle ammunition which was lubricated with pork fat. The men were unable to handle pork, literally and figuratively.
Then there is the unsubstantiated but very entertaining account of General Jack Pershing in the Philippines in 1911. As the legend goes, General Pershing captured a number of Islamic terrorists who were making things difficult for him. All but one of the terrorists were executed with bullets rubbed in pig blood, and a piglet was sewn into each of their dead bodies. They were then buried as the last man watched. He was set free to tell his friends the story. It is said that Islamic terrorism stopped for fifty years.
These illustrations highlight a potential weakness of radical Islam. The terrorists are afraid of pigs. They aren't afraid of death, they aren't afraid of economic sanctions, they aren't afraid of looking silly wearing turbans and big beards, but they are terrified of pigs.
I propose that we in the West change our tactics. Let's quit trying to blow these guys up. Let's stop trying to reason with them. Instead, let's defile them with something we have lots and lots of.
I propose the pork bomb. We have plenty of pork, and we have rivers of pig manure at hog farms in the southern United States. I'm sure those farmers would love to do their patriotic duty and help load a few shells full of swine feces. We could atomize pig manure over Teheran. We could defile every single Muslim for miles without killing anyone. Every one of those Muslims would have to pray and wash before they would be fit for battle.
Imagine if we started every single battle with a pork bomb, and the enemy couldn't fight for fear of dying and going to hell before they could pray and wash. The usual people who complain about our warmongering would be perplexed. The Russians, French and Chinese wouldn't be able to keep a straight face at the United Nations. Everyone who loves bacon and sweet and sour pork, worldwide, would be watching with interest to see if we could keep these guys in check.
Besides, we could blow up a few shells and say they were pork bombs, even if they weren't. The enemy would go crazy anyway. As long as we did the real thing every so often, they would still have to drop everything and get on their knees, which is a very convenient place to have them.
Aaron Velasquez, RightSideNews.com Aaron Velasquez is a graduate of St. John's College and runs a small business in the southwestern United States. He is a founding member of the Clue Society and is a Theist. He lives with his wife and children in a typical suburban neighborhood and drives a Ford. Aaron believes in working for the betterment of mankind.