Written by Patrick Brodeur
5And seeing the multitudes, He went up on a mountain and stepped into the floodlights where they had built for Him a temple, and His disciples gathered around Him. Then He opened His mouth and taught them, saying:
6"Blessed are the poor,
For theirs is the kingdom of State expropriated wealth.
7Blessed are the jobless,
For the taxpayers shall be their keepers.
8Blessed are those who lost their homes,
For they shall inherit a bailout.
9Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for ChangeTM,
For they shall be filled with a great taxpayer-funded feast.
10Blessed are all who have grievances,
For they shall be compensated through civil rights lawsuits.
11Blessed are the peace protesters,
For theirs is the Progressive World of Next TuesdayTM.
12Blessed are those one illness away from disaster,
For they shall obtain free health care.
13Blessed are our homosexual brothers and sisters,
For they shall be married and receive Intensive Family Preservation programs and Family Reunification privileges from the immigration authorities.
Obamessiah with Matthews and Olbermann
14"Blessed are you when Republicans revile and persecute you falsely for My sake. 15Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for people love me, so when you follow me, the world will love you, also.
16"You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, it is then good for nothing but to be thrown under the bus.
17"Do not think that I came to shrink the size of government. 18For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one dot above an 'i' will by no means pass from the law or government till all of my audacious dreams are fulfilled. And then I will build more.
19"You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'We are responsible for ourselves,' but we in truth rise or fall as a collective; the fundamental belief that I am my brother's keeper - unless he lives in a hut in Kenya.
20"And I say to you that whoever goes to war or tortures another without a progressive cause, shall be in danger of the judgment by the rest of the world. And whoever says to another the word 'unilaterally' shall be in danger of the judgment by the UN council.
21Therefore if you bring international aid to the altar of appeasement, and there remember that those nations' rulers are against you, 22leave your aid there and go away. 23Agree with your adversary quickly, without preconditions, lest your adversary accuses you of crimes against everything and deliver you to the judges of The Hague.
24"You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' 25But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart, so go right ahead, just make sure to get the media to cover it up for you. 25But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart, so go right ahead, just make sure to get the media to cover it up for you.
26If your right eye causes you to sin, invite the left one to join in; for if it looks good, it can't be wrong. 27And if your right hand causes you to sin, make sure to have enough for the left hand; for if it feels good, it can't be wrong.
28"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' 29But I tell you not to break the peace unless you can pin it on Republicans. But whoever else in the world slaps you on your cheek, pander to him with largesse. 30If anyone wants to sue you and have your money, let him have your country also.
31"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 32But I say to you, hate your rich neighbors and love the government officials who redistribute their wealth. 33And love your country's enemies too, for the enemy of Amerika is your friend; bless those who curse it, do good to those who hate it, and agree with those who spitefully use it and attack it, 34that you may be the progressive children of The Obamessiah; for He makes the sea levels fall and sends rain and hurricanes on the conventions of the unjust.
35For if you love those who love you not, you get to wail and lament. Did not the Screen Actors Guild do so? 36And if you snivel loudly enough, you will be rewarded. Was not the Screen Actors Guild rewarded so? 37Therefore you shall be perfect, just as The Obamessiah is perfect.
38"And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrite bitter clingers. For they love to pray standing on the corners of the streets, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Assuredly, I say to you, when you pray, go into your local government office, and pray to your Messiah who is in the White House; and The Obamessiah will reward you openly.
39"Therefore do not be like them. For The Obamessiah knows the things you have need of before you ask Him. 40In this manner, therefore, pray:
Our Player, Barack the Messiah,
Washington be thy game.
Thy welfare come,
Grabbeth all thy guns
So we will think that we're all in heaven.
Taxeth away our daily bread,
And giveth to those identity groups who trespass against work.
Make us not a prosperous nation,
For all wealth is evil,
And thine is the shakedown with all power and fury.
Obamunist forever. Amen.
41"Enter by the narrow gate of Obamunism; for wide is the gate and broad is the way of Capitalism that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. 42Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to Obamunism, and there are few who find it. 43For if you take from each according to his ability, The Obamessiah shall give to each according to his needs.
44"Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on land purchased at a discount from a friend.
45"But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who sat on his hands when the rain descended, the floods came, and drowned New Orleans."
46And so it was, when The Obamessisah had ended these sayings, that the people were astonished at His teaching, 47for He taught them as one having authority, and not as one offering more of the same.