Written by Scott Ott
by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace
(2008-08-04) — Democrat presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama, just hours after accusing his fellow citizens of being addicted to oil, admitted he has suffered the same condition since his teenage years.
“I confess that I frequently abused petroleum-based products,” said the contrite candidate, recalling that even at age 16 he sometimes drained 75 liters of a refined form of the controlled substance in a single week.
“Even now, I struggle, and it’s one day at a time,” said Sen. Obama, noting that “during a recent overseas jet fuel binge, thousands of dollars of the stuff just went up in smoke. I was seeing those trails, dude, and I thought, ‘That ain’t right. Barry you need help’.”
Unveiling his new energy proposal today in Michigan, Sen. Obama said when he’s president, generous coverage for victims of oil addiction will be part of his universal health care program. He added that he plans to set an example by checking himself into a 30-day public transit program for treatment.
“We can’t drill our way out of this crisis,” he said. “The first step is to admit you have a problem that you’re helpless to solve, and that you need to turn your life over to the care of a higher power who can pass legislation and levy taxes.”