Written by Ernest McDermon
Support Your Local Jihad Fighter, Or Else!
Recently the Main Stream Media has reported that Sheik Osama bin Laden had sent a letter to the people of Iraq requesting "forgiveness" for some of the mistakes that had been made by his minions in the service of Jihad. The CIA has been analyzing the letter, but Ernest McDermon has been able to obtain a back channel copy of the letter for our readers here at RightSideNews.com :
A Letter From Sheik Osama Bin Laden
To our brothers in Jihad, the people of Iraq, I bring you greetings and best wishes in the name of Allah, the all merciful, the omnipotent, the wonderful, and his prophet Mohammed (and so forth and so on as is customary). Today I, Sheik Osama bin Laden, anointed by Allah to be your leader in Jihad, find myself moved by your situation at the hands of the cruel American invaders to bring you news from here on the front lines of the global Jihad against the Infidels and their heathen supporters and enablers. Many men have risked their lives to bring you these good tidings of faith, peace and prosperity!
I note with interest that the merciless American Infidel invaders under the command of the hated General Petraeus (whom even his own people refer to as "Betray Us") claim to be bringing peace to your lands through a so-called "surge" of armed forces. Hah! They can only muster an additional 30,000 Infidel soldiers to their cause and move them around the world for this effort.
It will not stop us from doing the good work of Allah, the most merciful, the compassionate creator of all that there is, and the anointer of me as your future Caliph. Such works include the planting of Improvised Explosive Devices alongside the roads and trails of your land to engage the Infidel's up-armored vehicles. Our efforts have been so successful that I have allowed your hard working local Jihad Fighters to take a few days off for some much needed Rest & Recreation in their safe houses, and some time to reflect upon the teachings of The Prophet Mohammed, and to enjoy some fellowship and prayer together, while they lay low from the increased presence of the surge forces in your neighborhoods.
Our campaign against the invaders continues apace, but I am sad to say, that I have learned that some of our young fighters have made some mistakes. Disturbing reports have reached me about their “excessive enthusiasm for Jihad”. I am told that occasionally some of their efforts to kill the Infidel invaders have sadly, killed or seriously wounded some of our innocent civilian Sunni brethren in your lands who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But of course when this happens, we all know that it is the will of Allah, the compassionate, and he who cannot make mistakes, to have your wife, brother, parents or cousins die in this place accidentally. It is through His merciful decision that they were instantly transported to paradise where they eagerly await you to join them in the happiness and the joys that await you in the next life.
For your inconvenience and the loss of your loved ones caused by our brave Jihad fighters fighting the Infidel invaders, I wish to offer you my condolences and to say that I am sorry for your loss. For those of you with maimed children, scarred forever by the detonation of a roadside bomb planted there by Jihad fighters motivated by a sense of brotherly love for the people of Iraq, I remind you that Allah, in his merciful wisdom, has chosen for us an Infidel enemy in the form of the Americans. Their advanced technology (certainly spawned by Satan) allows them to bring mobile hospitals, clinics and doctors to your lands, where they provide treatment for their accursed soldiers and try to ease the suffering of the occasional wounded Iraqi.
The Americans claim that they do so in kindness for you, but as the Prophet teaches us, Infidels are dhimmi slaves, and all that they own belongs to the believers in Islam. The Infidel invaders only provide you with what is your due, and what they owe you as your slave because of their unbelief. May Allah guide their doctor's efforts in this life to heal your loved ones, and send them to eternal damnation in the next life for their failure to believe in Allah and Mohammed as his True Prophet. I suspect that even your heretic Shi’ite countrymen, worshipers of an apostate form of Islam, know this is true.
With this in mind, I ask that you forgive your Jihad fighters for their excessive enthusiasm for Jihad. I expect you to consider the youth and inexperience of these young Jihad fighters who have come to your land to free you from the Infidel, and to remember that they are called to their work by me, your humble servant, who was anointed your leader in Jihad by Allah, the creator of Heaven and Earth, and who has blessedly filled me with the spirit of brotherly love for my Sunni Muslim brothers and sisters. Your local Jihad fighters may lack the skills and knowledge they need to target the invader mercenaries accurately, but it is your sacrifice, and that of your friends and loved ones that improves their aim as they energetically try to kill all the Infidel insects in your midst.
Although you may weep at the loss of a cherished husband and father, or perhaps an only son necessary to carry your line on, you should also rejoice in his onward movement to paradise and to the 72 nubile, buxom and beautiful young virgins who await him eagerly! If you have lost a daughter or a wife, although you may be filled with pain and sadness at their loss, they are after all, unclean women, and we know that Allah will show them mercy in one of the less well lit corners of paradise, where they will await your arrival in the future while enjoying the company of your 72 virgins in your Heavenly Harem.
I earnestly hope and pray to Allah that he will grant you the revered status of "Martyr" where your rewards in paradise will be truly great! I too seek this exalted status, but as I am anointed by the all wise Allah to be your leader in Jihad, He requires that I stay in this life for the continued future to motivate and inspire His Jihad fighters world-wide.
Of course, in this spirit of humble apology, as your Global Leader of Jihad who has been anointed by Allah in his infinite wisdom, I expect that you will forgive your brave Jihad fighters for any accidental deaths, or perhaps "excesses" in their youthful enthusiasm for Jihad against the Infidel invader.
I have heard your cries about young sons who were baked alive by Jihad fighters and then served on a plate trussed and stuffed like a pig, in an effort to turn wayward parents from collaborating with the Infidel.
Other reports have come to me that your brave Jihad fighters have beheaded entire busloads of your cousins who had volunteered to serve as Police officers in your community, or when we've managed to defeat the Infidel and restore the blessed Sharia law of Allah to your cities even briefly, that the hands of young boys and girls were crushed in a selfless attempt to inspire their parents to repent from their sins and turn back to the ways of the Prophet and serve Jihad.
I attribute most of these reports to the Satan inspired propaganda of embedded Infidel journalists, and even if they were true, again, these "excesses" and "errors in judgment", are merely due to the youth and inexperience of your brave Jihad fighters, and their actions certainly were the result of the decision of Allah to allow this to happen to your loved ones. Not to worry! Instead, accept this heartfelt apology on the behalf of your local Jihad fighters, and remain strong in your support for their participation in the Global Jihad.
I will not state that which Allah has already assured me that you know in your hearts...a rejection of this apology in an un-Islamic lack of fraternal love and cooperation would cause me to consider sending yet more inexperienced Jihad fighters to your neighborhood, and to use you as a training aid!
There, I feel better about this, and I'm sure you do as well.
My administrative staff here in the cave asks that I mention a few things that they are sure you will want to hear about:
-We have an unexpected opening yet again for the leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq. Allah the always compassionate, in His infinite wisdom has sent an Infidel guided bomb to assist in the martyrdom of your late leader Abu Usama al-Tunisi. (May Allah lead Abu Usama to his 72 excited and beautiful virgins with incense, flowers and stimulating music!) If you are interested in this position, our staff asks that you volunteer with your local Jihad cell and proudly announce to them "I am the new leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq!"
Allah will assist in the interviews by either motivating our brave Jihad fighters to behead you on the spot, or perhaps give your name to the Infidels as an Al Qaeda sympathizer, but if you are truly the One We Seek, you will be instantly recognized as our new Leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq, and you will be rewarded with riches and power in the executive position you deserve!
-We always have openings for Jihad fighters who want to become martyrs by driving a vehicle packed with explosives and killing a bunch of Infidels. Are you tired of bills, the wife's a nag, feel like you’re in a rut? Join one of our Martyrdom cells and get on the fast track to paradise! Fame, eternal salvation and not one less than 72 sweet virgins await you if you decide to make the ultimate career move!
-We are looking for any remaining hidden ordinance caches in Iraq. If you know of any buried explosives, mortar shells, or other ammunition that we can use, please let us know. The so-called Infidel "surge" has taken away some of our larger stockpiles recently and we rely on you, our Muslim brothers and sisters, to help us find more before the Infidels do!
-Moussab's "Pizza for a Sheik" has recently opened in Baghdad and is offering a "Jihad Special" pizza, with extra goat's meat, extra veggies, and double cheese for a special price for the hungry Jihadi! Check it out. Moussab requests that to get the special price, just say "I love Osama!" when you place your order.
Well my friends, now I must take my leave. The cursed Infidel observation satellite will come overhead shortly and my bodyguards remind me that I must not be seen in the open “tallest man in this region” and all that. Bah! A pox of locusts on the Americans!
May the peace of Islam, which we find only through Jihad and slaughtering Infidels and heretic Muslims with wanton abandon, fill your soul with joyfulness all your days. We pray that Allah will inspire your local Jihad fighter to grant you many more for the future! On behalf of all of us here at the Global Jihad, I say to you in all sincerity…
"Please support your local Jihad fighter, or else you’ll get what you have coming!"
Osama bin Laden
In the place that cannot be named, or perhaps he has 20 virgins left!
(amazing that their destiny is finite, once the virgins are done, whats next?)
Contributing Editor for RightSideNews - Ernest McDermon is a former Army Officer, a website designer, and a conservative writer commenting on domestic and foreign affairs, and satirical whit!